CIA: A Concept on Relational Boundaries

For the person who struggles with co-dependent or passive behavior, knowing what to do when someone violates your boundaries by overt or covert manipulation can be baffling.

In my experience, not being able to maintain the integrity of your boundaries is one of the top relation issues that impedes enjoying others which leads to isolation and loss.

I have come up with and been practicing an action plan for when people assert their needs in a way that oversteps my boundaries:

I have broken it down to an easy to remember three letter acronym: CIA.

Confront
Ignore
Act

Sometimes one of these is needed, sometimes all three, rinse and repeat, as often as needed.

Also note:

It has been said in the recovery community that we do not confront enough and when we do it is not done right. It is critical to understand that confrontation should be gentle, mutual, and without expectation.

Ignoring can be a passive behavior, it is very important to maintaining self assertion that ignoring is a conscious choice, and that the consequences are calculated.

Appropriate actions always include consideration of mutual interests and can be misinterpreted as aggressive or selfish.

In my experience having a this basic tool at my disposal gives me the confidence needed to look forward to interacting with others. Boy that sounds pristine and a tad boring. Apply CIA with GUSTO! Better?

Quote + Thoughts

The essential difference between emotion and reason is that emotion leads to action, while reason leads to conclusions.

— Donald Calne, noted neurologist

I have been pondering the misunderstanding that the mind is like a computer. Studies show our mind is an emotional tool. Processing information is secondary. This is where many in the recovery process get tripped up: they stay in their head. They forget to feel, and be in the moment. Ideation, fantasy, obsessive thinking, worry are the bars of mental prison.

This is why "enjoying one moment at a time" is so important.