iSerenity: Online noise wall

This website has a selection of ongoing or looped audio of waterfalls, fans, trains, background noise. To be used for relaxation or for those working in noisy distraction filled environments. This is a good tool if you find listening to music too distracting while you work like me. The Flash slide show is less then well done, I would prefer a full screen option and actual videos.

Spirit Of The 80's

If you have not heard about my microblog that features classic spiritual music from the 80's you might want to bookmark/RSS it: SpiritOfThe80s.tumblr.com

1) Hear about weird history from 20 years ago.
2) Non-believers, Skeptics, Undecided, and TO'd at God types, can add an obscure, hard to find, and sometimes brilliant music category to their library.
3) Old School Believers can ruminate and say things like "Yeah those were the days.(Cough)"
4) Earlier Adopter Believers can claim a vast knowledge of the musical period, still be seen as mildly uninterested, and comment on it's irony.
5) The rest of you can just cringe and roll your eyes.

Did I cover everyone?

Today remind yourself: I accept help.

Re:Form

I was asked to share my experience about the re:form conference recently held at my home fellowship Vineyard Boise.

The reform initiative is the result of a vision Pastor Tri Robison set out in a prospectus I received when being invited to help develop the web communications, which have been primarily headed by Centaur Media and Jason Chatraw a journalist recently assigned by donation to serve this venture.

After reading the prospectus I was moved and excited about the magnitude, truth, and bravery, only critical that media plan seemed a little light particularly in the area of broadcast radio. Later Emily Hopping invited me to volunteer and participate.

Re:form challenges the church to re:think it positions on environmentalism, human justice, and calls us to the advent:ure of action.

After leaving as Network Director for Freedom Radio (Edgewater Broadcasting) where my vision was for social justice in radio media recently, many of these issues have been heavy on my heart. I feel we the church could love more, sin less, and dance on the head of the serpent. Consequently, I have personally taken a challenge to start withe me.

I met people from Georgia, California, and Maryland all gathered not to grimly fulfill a solemn agenda, but to simply to learn and become aware. Not that these people were not focused or passionate. It just was not the militant hemp-fest one might expect. The gathering was well managed, well planned, open, and comfortable. Great food, worship, and a great experience. I was honored and privileged to participate.

The number one most important thing entering my head/heart space from the conference was this: It does not matter how poor you are, you do not have to wait to give to others. An example was shared about a church in a third world nation who collected pennies that totaled a $2 offering, afterwords supplies were purchased with this money to create a large vat of soup which was prepared and placed in the middle of the street, orphans and hungry children showed up in droves to receive the meager offering. Honestly as I write this I am homeless, penniless, and jobless (but not Godless.) and previously felt I had to wait to reach out to those in need. I now realize if I will open my heart, and be a vessel for God today, he will open the doors for me. I don't have to wait. $6 will provide a an ecologically sound and efficient cook stove. You know that $6 burger that sounds so good? What if you skipped it once and bought a cook stove for a family in extreme poverty? How about once a month?

The other important items I came away with were the fitting of puzzle pieces, how poor management of resources impacts communities, which in turn cause poverty and in turn create vulnerabilities that are exploited and end in human trafficking and slavery. That this system of brutality, can and is being overcome. I became painfully aware of the direct consequences of our nations voracious appetite for pornography and how that industry is driving trafficking internationally- and at home. As someone who confesses having viewed pornography, I can testify that the "Big lie" is that since it is all virtual or cyber with consenting adults there is no harm done. The truth is there is virtually no such thing as consenting (few if any, in her right mind, are going to pick sex slave as career focus.) and that every click and every dollar spent creates an economy that is fed by pimps and traffickers who prey on children and those made vulnerable by poverty. Sometimes when God instructs us we should just obey, because after we disobey and see what could have been avoided the regret is to grand. I can only hope for grace for the thousand millstones that should hang from my neck. But now I know, and so do you.

Consider become an abolitionist against slavery. Say No to exploitation and Yes to doing something about it.

It occurred to me today that the label "activist" might be the perfect 'front' for Christianity. Brandi Swindell shirks the label preferring 'Christian' and I agree, being marginalized as an opinionated fanatic with an agenda can't be good. But if the shoe fits... her outreach the Stanton Clinic provides help for women in crisis and she just returned from Beijing where she was arrested for praying for the mothers of forced abortion there in communist China during the Olympics. Or my friend Dennis Mansfield who started New Hope a business providing halfway homes for those out of prison. People standing in the gap for others, while reaching back to call others to action. That is what re:form is all about. Rob Morris (President Love146.org) pointed out that the only place in the Bible where God is shocked or surprised is when he looked across the face of the nations and found that no one was available to stand in the gap for justice mercy and humility.

Okay I know your touched, but the cynic in you begs the political questions. (Fair enough, when the most common placard at the Republican Convention were placards emblazoned with "DRILL".) Aren't liberals masquerading as 'reformers' to win votes? Likely. Aren't Conservatives joining in to win votes, likely. But there is no ideology behind love, it damns the bonds of agendas, illuminates the darkened schemes of mice and men, and in it's clarity gifts freedom to the oppressed.

Go ahead reach out to your community, your environment, your world, regardless of party affiliation, I think you will find the voices of partisan politics dip to a duller murmur. Do politics play a part in these issues of humanity? As Scott Sabin (Executive Director Floresta) pointed out; in some cases almost exclusively in some developing nations. While rising above the pettiness seems most often the high road, as pointed out by Jim Jewell (COO Evangelical Environmental Network), everyone I met at the conference struggles with the issues, but are reaching across the isle for the sake of good. Because that is just it- we have to stop waiting for politicians to do what we can do ourselves. Go ahead God made you to love. Reach.

On the subject of addressing political attitudes Peter Illyn (Director Restoring Eden) suggested the extremes; that some feel that mankind is the feted blemish upon this earth, and were we wiped out, nature would be healthy and restored, while other seethe earth as a machine to wait upon abusively until we go to heaven. Then, unexpectedly out of the news of death, sickness, and depravity, Peter focused on the most refreshing message of the week for me, which I leave you with; God's wonder; showing powerpoint slide after slide after slide, of animals, mountains, earth and sky. That was a simple sermon with magnitude and volume. The earth was given to enjoy. To laugh about, to puzzle and delight us, and fill us with awe and wonder. We are the people of this world and God made it good.

(Check out my micro blog for a constant stream of reform type content: reform.tumblr)

The Four Words:

I have mentioned this before but think it is worth repeating: Many people want to understand the 12 Steps and how they work, but get confused by the process. I have broken the steps into 4 easy to remember words for the impatient, in a hurry, and forgetful; Okay for myself, but I am willing to share:

Truth : Without it you are in denial, and you can trust no one, even yourself. Hard core addicts and slightly neurotic alike are plagued with subtle lies, distortions, and compromises. Muster the courage to see the big picture about you- no matter how painful. You cannot repaint your house in the dark. It might hurt but it will be no worse then the pain you have been avoiding so far.

Trust : Learning to truly believe God has your back, that you can trust yourself, and that you can trust others. This means giving up on broken relationships for good ones, and letting good people be good and come to their own opinions. Pursuit of God, and a friendliness and commitment to yourself.

Surrender : All your fears, failures, hopes, and 'if onlys'. Put them on the chopping block. In giving them away you may be able to attain them. But a deep and true acceptance that your way won't work is needed to change. Give up. Steve Taylor once wrote "Since I gave up Hope I Feel a Lot Better". You cannot do this unless you really trust God.

Care : Caring for yourself and others in equal terms, is the fulcrum where all the great humans have stood. You cannot care for others if you neglect yourself, and you cannot love yourself if you are neglecting others. You might think you take care of others and yourself, but if you are in denial, and lying, and trying to carry it all alone- you won't know what care is. Try the first three and see how your view of care changes.

Quotes:

"I caution you; there is inherent danger in black and white thinking. Failure to see the nuance, the shades of grey, the subtleties that life is abundant with, these places are where truth abides."

anonymous

The Baseball

The Baseball

The talented local filmmaker Brandon Freeman created this stirring short. It is a 10 minute reminder about life, consequences, and choices. (It also stars acquaintance Colin Mansfield.)

quotes:

“It is not so much our friends help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.”

— Epicurus

Plankeye from the Brick Testament. An all Lego Bible.

The emotion cone, an interesting visualization. I think often times I miss the subtleties of emotions and go for the basic, mad, happy, sad labels. So this is a welcomed reminder of some of the other shades of feeling that exist.

via hellomynameisleah

Changing How You Feel

American culture is one of repression (among others). And the Church is sometimes even worse. Most my life I have practiced not expressing my feelings openly. Crying, anger, laughter, excitement even sarcasm are often 'hushed' as children, by parents and authorities. I have even heard from the pulpit that anger is a sin. In turn, it seems now that I am older when I do let these emotions out, I feel overwhelmed, and others are confused, or react to what they see as an 'overreaction' on my part. They just don't know all the feelings going into that one situation. So again it is easier to keep those things to myself, ignore, stifle, or 'repress' those emotions. However as the illustration above depicts: just because I 'feel' powerless over my emotions doesn't mean I am.

There are those that theorize that all emotional illness is sourced in repressed or unexpressed feelings.

Knowing that I can choose to change, or 'shift' how I feel once an emotion is expressed or externalized, gives me more courage to openly respond in a healthy way.

Learning to respond as opposed to reacting, ignoring, or manipulating is new territory for me. Today I feel hurt, scared, and sad. In saying that I immediately want to explain why. However, rationalizing my feelings puts me in my 'head' and becomes another way to avoid pain. And 'plugs' or stops me from 'shifting' to a new emotion if I choose. It also seems that in labeling the source of those feelings, I can take current circumstance or situations and force them as headings over those emotions. Often when looking deeper they were related to other unrelated or distantly related circumstances or situations. But I can only look deeper if I 1) Take the time, 2) Accept those feeling 'as is', no question asked 3) Refrain from passing judgment about their source.

I find that the book of Psalms written by King David to be a meditative discourse on those inward emotions and his process of 'shifting', and a template for positive 'self talk'. (note: 5 chapters a day out of 150 = Psalms read in one month. My Dr.Bronner moment)

Psalm 4 says:
"Be angry and do not sin, meditate on your bed and be still."

in Psalms 5:6 David speaks of evil doers as bloodthirsty men who speak lies, and then in verse 7:
"But as for me, I will come into your house in the multitude of your mercy; In fear of You I will worship toward your holy temple..." So see how he has realized his fear of those persecuting him and then acknowledged that he is no different then them, other then that he seeks God's mercy, and then 'shifts' his fear to the true threat which is God's judgment?

Quotes:

I’m not super religious or anything; I just like the look of angels.

— Master Chief from the Halo series

"X" Marks the Spot

I was at the reservoir after visiting my friends church, while I sat their praying I was listening on my iPod to Jeremy Riddle's song "Sweetly Broken". The mountain panorama and beautiful blue sky was marked only by two jet planes leaving plumes behind them.

At the precise moment the plumes crossed the song broke into this chorus:

"At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
"

I was struck by the notion that so many who are sarcastic of Christianity, or a Christian God, just want a sign, it isn't that we don't want to believe we just don't know where to look. But yet he made a sign, I giant "X" marked in the center of the world, in the center of history. You cannot miss it if you look.

The symbol of the cross means love. What is more God chose to identify himself through a living person who left us both his teachings, and his spirit.

Perhaps, you still cannot reconcile religion as anything more then man's feeble attempt to explain that which he cannot. An evolutionary disposition towards the supernatural. But perhaps this is what you need to hear today: God's giant dotted upside down teardrop on Earth's Google map is in Israel on hill called Golgotha. X marks the spot. Start there if you are searching. I did.

Quotes:

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

—

Audrey Hepburn

Passive Behavior

The bible teaches "turn the other cheek" this is often misinterpreted as a spiritual edict on passive behavior. In fact in both the old and new testament there were consequences to the nation of Israel's and the Church's constant passive and tolerant behavior.

However, often aggressive behavior is seen as the alternative. Assertive behavior is the mandate for most religions. Especially the Christian faith.

What is the difference?

Assertive behavior always acts in mutual interest and from the emotion of love. Aggressive being selfish or I centered and from anger or hatred. Passive failing to acknowledge one's own needs and often from the emotion of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt. (FOG)

Often passive behavior is seen as a selfless act of kindness and therefore categorized and interpreted as spiritual, Christlike, and caring.

However, Christ was never passive. His death, may appear to be non-violent submission to aggression, but remember He clearly stated "No one takes my life, I lay it down willingly" (John 10:18) in other words he was acting not being acted upon. In my reading of Jesus, it seems that everyone was always mad at him because he wasn't doing what he was told or telling others what to do. Beware when all men speak well of you!

The appropriate relational model is where everyones needs are equal. Consequently, every relationship where one has needs superior to anothers is unhealthy and should be avoided. Marriages are prime for this, as often passive persons seem to seek out aggressive persons and vice versa. Conflicts often center around physical and emotional needs. Parents will vacillate between self neglect and over focus on a child's needs, and self focus with neglect to children's needs.

Passive behavior is also prevalent in the codependent. Whereby all relationships are handled in a measurable way known to Behavioral Science as the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Shrink' Stephen Karpman observed that the most prominent pattern of behavior was for the codependent to rescue, then persecute and ultimately become the victim who in turn looks for someone else to rescue.

Can you see how selfless giving, righteous indignation, and martyrdom can be the perfect landing place for the passive person? How I can misinterpret the Bible to meet my own unhealthy patterns?

The passive person seems to only be aware of others needs. While the aggressive only aware of their own. Empathy seems to be the key component for healing on both sides. For the passive, empathizing with themselves and there own wants and needs, and for the aggressive empathizing with others.

Jesus did not teach to give away your only coat, he said if you have two offer the other. He also said to lend and not expect back. I often don't expect direct repayment, but if I don't get the thanks I deserve-look out! A good friend once told me that "we give from our abundance not from our lack"- that advice has changed me.

What pattern can you identify in yourself? Is there someone you are failing to empathize with, is that someone you?

The Flesh is Willing but the Spirit Is Week?

If you are not saying wait a minute, you might re-read this passage from the ancients:

"The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

That is to say there is a lush green garden of life on the otherside of the dead desert of carnality, mediocrity, and materialism.

Often times my fears, pain, stress, and mostly shame smite me and keeps me looking downward, fearful of the light, I starve my spirit and only become more destitute, distraught, and alone.

Don't think that is just me or the "wayward". Sometimes the very centers of holy humanity can be guilty of godlessness and spiritual emptiness. I know because I have been there. Pastors, Leaders, and Ministry teams can be the blackest little holes of self loathing and deadness of anyone.

True spirituality is not measured in the size of the steeple.

God in deep passion for any us, finds novel, off the beaten path ways to reach us, to cut through the fog of disbelief, discouragement, and running. Yeah, you know what I mean. Sometimes I am on a dead run. Afraid to confront my fears, and terrified of what might happen if I do.

Sometimes I tread on the rice paper of tradition and ritual. Softly lest I leave a mark, I get in and get out, knowing that it only makes that inward hole deeper, blacker and more painful, but it can be a great placebo.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God.

My wife shared with me the weight of her latest revelation: The Creator of the universe asks you to sign a blank contract with Him. No guarantees, no stipulations, no scoping or clauses. Just opt in for a life long question mark. (editor's note: Some might say the Bible is that contract, that plan, that handbook, and manual. I would propose that it just doesn't have all the answers. In fact, I think it it has more questions. It is more like the soundtrack, or similar reading, then a list of do and don'ts. It seems to be designed to bring us into relationship with a living creator, as opposed to an instructional precedent setting magna carta that defines the terms of our contract.)

Oooh, that can be rough.

He will be with you, love you passionately, and carry you when you cannot stand, but NO known plan, guidelines, itinerary, or general overview will be handed to you. Blank contract.

I was sharing with my children that Christianity is one of the few religions that has no barrier to entry. There are no requirements. Yes some try to add there own, what day you worship on, even church attendance at all for that matter, but ultimately, Jesus Christ (I tend to regard what he says since I believe him to he be leader of this faith.) said simply "believe".

That is just it; that seems too simple. It is unsavory for our sense of justice, we should have to work for it, burn, feel the heartache...bear the marks...carry the cross, feel the piercing to truly be like Christ. But that ain't happening. It would be blasphemy to think we could be the sacrifice for even our own sin. Even a little. Tiny winy smidgen. Even.

All you have to do is; sitting in your hummer watching your stocks rise, or kicked back in your trailer with a tallboy, is see the need for completion, and raise your hand and say "That Jesus..I do." Raise your soft pudgy hand or calloused palm and say with sincerity"Me." "I'll take it.", "I do."

That's it. Your in.

Scandalous isn't it.

CIA: A Concept on Relational Boundaries

For the person who struggles with co-dependent or passive behavior, knowing what to do when someone violates your boundaries by overt or covert manipulation can be baffling.

In my experience, not being able to maintain the integrity of your boundaries is one of the top relation issues that impedes enjoying others which leads to isolation and loss.

I have come up with and been practicing an action plan for when people assert their needs in a way that oversteps my boundaries:

I have broken it down to an easy to remember three letter acronym: CIA.

Confront
Ignore
Act

Sometimes one of these is needed, sometimes all three, rinse and repeat, as often as needed.

Also note:

It has been said in the recovery community that we do not confront enough and when we do it is not done right. It is critical to understand that confrontation should be gentle, mutual, and without expectation.

Ignoring can be a passive behavior, it is very important to maintaining self assertion that ignoring is a conscious choice, and that the consequences are calculated.

Appropriate actions always include consideration of mutual interests and can be misinterpreted as aggressive or selfish.

In my experience having a this basic tool at my disposal gives me the confidence needed to look forward to interacting with others. Boy that sounds pristine and a tad boring. Apply CIA with GUSTO! Better?

Quote + Thoughts

The essential difference between emotion and reason is that emotion leads to action, while reason leads to conclusions.

— Donald Calne, noted neurologist

I have been pondering the misunderstanding that the mind is like a computer. Studies show our mind is an emotional tool. Processing information is secondary. This is where many in the recovery process get tripped up: they stay in their head. They forget to feel, and be in the moment. Ideation, fantasy, obsessive thinking, worry are the bars of mental prison.

This is why "enjoying one moment at a time" is so important.

Quote:

"What other people think of you is none of your business."

Lifted off someones mom.

This is great thinking for the co-depndant who is always concerned with what everyone else is thinking and feeling.

Ex-inmate Theatre presentation of Peter Kreeft's 3-man readers theater play :

This Sunday, April 6th at 6pm at Vineyard Boise a reprise of reader’s theatre production of “Between Heaven and Hell”.

It's a conversation between JFK, CS Lewis and Aldous Huxley shortly after all their deaths on Nov 22, 1963.

It’s free,! (Tho donations will be taken)

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Don't Make Me Quit You Jesus

Psychology has finally helped me to understand that God is just a figment of my imagination. My inner Id's need for a father. Jesus my need for a role model. The Bible is great science fiction that is too wild to have ever happened. From now on this blog will be dedicated to a a form of zen like atheism. I now see it is the only way. Thank you Sigmund Freud for showing me that there is no reality. Thank you Charles Darwin and Carl Sagan for showing me that the world and the universe are just one big chain of accidents hewn out of billions of years of chance. (Okay maybe trillions.) Thank you Hugh Hefner for showing me that hedonism and the sensuality of the moment is all there is to live for. Thank you Hollywood and Nashville for providing the fantasy I need to cope with this new empty truth. And finally I thank myself for patiently enduring the years of repressed thinking, fantastical hopes and dreams, tangents of idealism and never ending hypocrisies. My magnanimity knows no bounds. I never needed anyones help, there really were no problems I needed to admit to. If I would have just kept doing the same thing I am certain different results could have been achieved.

Quote:

“It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality. There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts.”

~Shirley Chisholm

Don't forget Workahol. The chosen drug of the Great Depression.

quote:

"One sticks one’s finger into the soil to tell by the smell in what land one is: I stick my finger in existence — it smells of nothing. Where am I? Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that has lured me into the world? Why was I not consulted, why not made acquainted with its manners and customs instead of throwing me into the ranks, as if I had been bought by a kidnapper, a dealer in souls? How did I obtain an interest in this big enterprise they call reality? Why should I have an interest in it? Is it not a voluntary concern? And if I am to be compelled to take part in it, where is the director? I should like to make a remark to him. Is there no director? Whither shall I turn with my complaint?"

— Søren Kierkegaard, Repetition

In The Moment: Baloons

Clowns, animals, children (and likely angels) all have the uncanny knack for being "in the moment." So much emotional unhealth comes from repressed past, or depression about the past, and anxiety and fear about the future. What about right now? While you are reading this are you present, really alive, breathing, enjoying life? Worship, prayer, meditation all spiritual actions also performed in the moment. Jesus Christ and his disciples seemed also to have a corner on the moment.

Listen To this Song: Crystal Lewis

This is the thump dance remix. If this doesn't get you moving, you are dead. Full on Flatlining. Really.

God's Eye View: Google Earth Captures In History

The Glue Society presents a gallery presentation of images depicting Biblical events as seen from a satellite. Images include: Adam and Eve in the Garden (my fav), The parting of the Red Sea, Noah's Ark, and shown here The Crucifixion. (see more here)

Music Video: Johnny Cash "Hurt"

Christianity Today Article: Phil Vischer of VeggieTales Fame

“…You couldn’t write Narnia today and have it accepted by the evangelical world because [of the magic] and because in its metaphor, it effectively has a non-Christian worldview. Now, if we go to another fantasy world, we need to find Jesus there—literally. That is why the Harry Potter books are viewed to be straight from the pit. Even if Rowling says she’s enjoying Christian themes, forget it. How do you write a Christian fantasy today? I have no idea. I don’t know that you can. I think we’ve killed it. I think we are so concerned with how oppressed our worldview is and so defensive that we’ve painted ourselves into a corner. And thus, we can’t tell the kind of stories that Lewis or Chesterton would have told to share the gospel. It’s kind of depressing, frankly.”

via sds tumblrlog

A short dream story: Collision of Self

Pulling up in what appeared to be a combination small diesel truck and dune buggy the 20 something young man said "hop in I will take you to the end of the road.." seeing my perplexed face he chortled enthusiastically "I just bought it, it is awesome!"
"U.n ..no, but thanks for the offer" Stammering I replied guardedly. Some of us have boundaries I reasoned, besides on my way to work.
"Come on!" I want to see how she handles with a passenger" He said persuasively as he opened the door. I looked over the blue and white vehicle, spotting a bumper sticker from the radio station I worked at, and decided I would give a quick whirl. I need to be more trusting.

He gunned it from the gas station where he had stopped off, out town on a open but frequented desert road. I reached for the dash, feeling my heart swell into my stomach, and yelled "Slow down!" He laughed and continued to accelerate. A police cruiser passed us by, and quickly turned around after us. "I told you!" wondering what I had gotten myself into. As the cruiser sped to catch up, my new "friend" continued to accelerate. I did not know him, yet he seemed vaguely familiar. Maybe he was a friend of a friend, he acted as if he knew me. While he did not slow down we were approaching a "T" in the road and assumed he would pull off. He cackled loudly above the siren bearing down on us from behind. I looked at him and firmly and loudly said" You need to slow this thing down..now. We are going to be injured arrested or cause harm to someone else." He looked at me and grinning and replied "Amphibious." as we busted through the wooden guardrail, slammed and popped over the two foot cement curb, and plunged headlong into the Black Mountain reservoir.

Clutching the car, my heart racing, relief washed across me as we floated calmly down the shores edge. "There going to wait you out and catch you."
"Ahhh...I'll just say the throttle stuck." he arrogantly waddled his head. He was a large well muscled man with short blond hair and blue eyes. I was furious. I felt violated and abducted. I considered my impulse to grab him by the neck and ring it.
We drove from the water onto the boat launch under the steady watch of two police officers and a small contingent of city workers. As we pulled to a stop they handed both the driver and me documents with large fines and court summons.

I pleaded with the officer, "but I am just a passenger!"
"Sorry sir.." she deadpanned "..the plates list this as a combination recreational vehicle and in the state of Idaho, that means, that you are equally liable as a passenger for damages and guilty of several infractions." In perfectly bad timing and equally poorly delivered sincerity my new captor declared "Throttle stuck!" eliciting a groan from the small contingent of bystanders and officials alike. "Tell it to the judge" blank stare officer number two responded waving the tow truck off to impound with the strange dripping blue vehicle in tow.

"Unless you have any questions we will let you off on OR, provided you promise to make your court date, gentlemen.", the cackle of the shoulder mounted mic calling them off to yet another emergency. Everyone melted into a photoshop like blur as the impact of what happened focused my rage towards this irreverent cautionless abductor. I let loose yelling and standing him down "Who the hell do you think you are!" I screamed menacingly into his face. Being a good two or three inches taller he looked down with a smirk, seemingly un-intimidated by my violent threatening posture. "You enjoyed the ride as much as I did." he said in an almost southern Matthew McConaughey accent. Turning he walked away down a path lined by small newly planted trees that ran parallel to the reservoir. I turned after him, stilling myself of the notion to run full tilt and tackle him to the ground. Hearing me follow him he turned with clenched fists and clench jaw and said "You want a piece of this?!" I stopped. Perplexed by my quickness to violence and a new awareness of those around us and resignedly stated" I am pretty angry, but maybe I could see that as a moment of risky living that , though catching me off guard, was what I needed to be alive today." Surprising even myself, I said, tears welling in my eyes, "Thank you."

He looked at me blankly seemingly unstirred by my sincerity and emotions. "But I am not.." I continued "..paying for half of this, I will let the judge know that you abducted me." Swelling with rage and flaunching and strutting like a spoiled child he screamed "WHAT?!" his head rolled ghetto style and his large palms struck me hard in the chest, careening me backwards farther then I expected. My forty something year old legs barely staying under me. Looking back I saw the officers had left but a few city workers and passers by heard the commotion and were watching this brawl unfold. I considered walking away, taking the non-violent side, that is when I heard him say "This is about both of us!" and was blinded by a white flash as his fist snapped my body sideways and to the ground. I rolled and was up on my feet, my martial arts training and Welsh heritage taking over at the humiliation of being sucker punched, a knife hand whistled to the bridge of his upper lip clotheslining him and knocking him skyward, I was in control physically but righteous indignation soared through my adrenals as I pounced on his limp body with the intent to do him further harm... his cowering body melted into mine. He was me.

I awoke heart racing, anger and raw emotion a clot of comforter and pillow between my arms. Reeling, I puzzled over the dream, becoming aware that it was about one person and not two.

Esau Kessler

From My Journal: A Bible verse Hosea 10:12 and Slappin' 'Ho's

I had a friend tell me I should read this verse. My peave is when Christians will "give" you a verse. Not what it says just the reference. I think I feel manipulated to look it up. So often times I just nod and grin and don't bother looking it up. This time, however, I wanted to look it up with the faint hope of hearing from God. (reasoning how can I ask "Him" to speak to me if I am not listening?) So I began to write it on my bathroom mirror with a bar of soap. However it wasn't working so all I got was "HO". (A month later while the mirror was misted up I winced at the derogatory ghetto meaning and secretly hoped no one in my family wondered what that was all about.) So I looked it up yesterday. This is not me telling you this verse to shed light on your darkened corner, not that I am beyond that, but this is me documenting something that seems to have meaning but am not sure as to what with the hope that sometime in the future it could make sense to me. That and the possibility one of the 15-24 daily reader's who come by this blog might find something therein. Maybe not.

The verse sounds inspiring but is somewhat cryptic (to me at least):

"Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you."

Context: This is the "nice" or hopeful part of a line of chastisements from God to Israel prophesied by and recorded by Hosea. In the other verses God is pretty hardnosed, he doesn't pussyfoot about concerning the lameness of the nation of Israel's abondonment of God, and the consequences. Yet somehow amongst the smoke of truth He is still kind, and has words of hope. Wow.

I like the notion of righteousness falling like rain. Would I skip and dance Gene Kelly style, or would I mutter about the weather? I know righteousness isn't always pleasing to be caught up in.

It is funny how this verse might be found on a placard in a religious bookstore. We like to "cherry pick" the Bible, put the "nicey" verses about that make us feel good on wristbands and such. What if you went to someones house and framed boldly on spotlit wall it grimly said:

"Ye have plowed wickedness, ye have reaped iniquity; ye have eaten the fruit of lies: because thou didst trust in thy own way"

Most certainly if we placed it on a bumper sticker it would not be in the context of God's condemnation of us as followers of Jesus, but of the loathsome "sinner".

The expression, "Break up your fallow ground" (Hos. 10:12; Jer. 4:3) means, "Do not sow your seed among thorns", i.e., break off all your evil habits; clear your hearts of weeds, in order that they may be prepared for the seed of righteousness. Land was allowed to lie fallow that it might become more fruitful; but when in this condition, it soon became overgrown with thorns and weeds. The cultivator of the soil was careful to "break up" his fallow ground, i.e., to clear the field of weeds, before sowing seed in it. So says the prophet, "Break off your evil ways, repent of your sins, cease to do evil, and then the good seed of the word will have room to grow and bear fruit."

The 4 Words

AA 12 steps seem to have some redundancy. (Don't freak on me you avid AA'rs) Thus John Baker's program has boiled them down to 8 principles. In a flash of inspiration I have boiled them down to 4 easier to remember words:

Truth
Trust
Surrender
Care

• One must step out of denial, face the music, stop running, admit there is a problem and one must stay in that brutal predicament of truth.

• One must come to a point that they stop trusting their failed thought process (the one that gets you sick and keeps you there.) And start trusting God and others.

• One also must surrender to that universal purpose in their life, and stop writing their own script.

• And as a result of this life long process/pursuit start caring for themselves and others equally.

Ever lived a lie? Ever felt there was no one you could trust not even God or yourself? Ever felt like giving up? ever said "I don't care"?

The Bible in 50 Words.

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Jacob fooled
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Pharaoh plagued
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Judges led
Saul freaked
David peeked
Kingdom divided
Prophets warned
People exiled
Hope rose
Jesus born
God walked
Anger crucified
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

iGeneration, iPod, iGnorance?

"Americans buy more than 20m new Bibles every year to add to the four that the average American has at home. Yet the state of American biblical knowledge is abysmal. A Gallup survey found that less than half of Americans can name the first book of the Bible (Genesis), only a third know who delivered the Sermon on the Mount (Billy Graham is a popular answer) and a quarter do not know what is celebrated at Easter (the resurrection, the foundational event of Christianity). Sixty per cent cannot name half the ten commandments; 12% think Noah was married to Joan of Arc. George Gallup, a leading Evangelical as well as a premier pollster, describes America as “a nation of biblical illiterates”.”