Seeking Freedom from Co-Dependency?

Relational "Bill Of Rights"

"Declaration of Interdependence"

I have the right to:
• Feel respected as a person.
• To be appreciated and not taken for granted.
• Effective communication with others.
• To have my privacy respected and to have boundaries.
• To not be one upped or one downed.
• Feel good about myself and my relationships.
• To expect trust validation and support from those who are my friends.
• To grow within and outside of relationships.
• To my own separate opinions, thoughts, feelings, and choices.
• To choose to stay or leave any relationship.

I posted this some time ago and find myself referring it to people who struggle with co-dependency issues. I have edited it to a more universal generalized version. If these concepts are part of your core constitution, manipulators cannot use FOG (Fear, Obligation, or Guilt) to get their needs met with you. Niether will you use FOG on others as you will do to them as you wish them to do to you.

I also like the ideas expressed in the following behaviors that I think result from a healthy sense of relational rights.

The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
3. Take responsibility for their feelings.
4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions. (gasp!)
5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
6. Feel energized, not angry.
7. Validate other people's feelings.
8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions.
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.
10. Avoid people who invalidate them, or don't respect their feelings.

While this is elementary to some, those of us who were damaged or neglected as children often missed these lessons or have yet to learn them.

These are kluged together from several books one of which I found particularly helpful is the classic "Breaking Free Of The Co Dependency Trap" By Barry & Janae Weinhold. The notion that you can be healed, restored, and recovered from co-dependant behaviors is a message often missed in recovery publications.

Depression

At the Celebrate Recovery group I attended this last Friday, I shared about my "sobriety" over depression. I have a tremendous amount of compassion with beings who struggle with this. It is debilitating, frightening, and can be relentless. Most people who have not struggled with depression tend to think you just need to have and express feelings of happiness to be better. But actually in my experience, it is the opposite, repressing feelings of anger are most often the source of depression.

Outsiders can feel frustrated and confused about reaching out to those who struggle with this disability. (What can be done by them is another post.)

I see depression as a brutal form of internalizing hatred. That is why it can often lead to suicide.

Depression is often a "side effect" of recovering from addiction. In other words, leaving the "high" of whatever your drug of choice is; (yes workahol, controlling obsessive compulsive behavior, even church activities can be on the list of "drugs".) leaves you in the "low" of reality. It takes some time to learn to do real life, and experience both it's pleasures and pains. This is why addicts often simply switch addictions, rather then experiencing depression. And it is why I always say the only way through depression, is through depression. there are no short cuts.

Medication is sometimes seen as a cure, when all it can really provide is some relief from the painful symptoms. Often times it can create dependency issues, and therefore I believe should be used cautiously and sparingly. But it should be used if it is needed to keep you functional and alive.

I have found that using these 7 steps can help to break out of the depression cycle:

1) Take care of your self.

Self care is a pillar of recovery. Codependents spend too much energy on everyone else's needs and make this a way of life. Going without food, sleep, exercise, hobbies, challenging activities, is not a sacrificial form of living. It is a way of killing your individuality and yourself. Instead of "being" and experiencing life, codependants become "human doings" and often the cycle of rescuing and helping everyone else leaves them discouraged, isolated, and depressed.



2) Do something.

While "over doing" can lead to dysfunction, stagnating, "holing up" and doing nothing is the polar opposite. Trying new things, learning, and being involved can rekindle your passions and excitement about the gift of life, but you must take the first step. Sometimes I thought "hey I am too dysfunctional to do anything, I will only fail and feel further regret and resentment" but that was only a trap. True, you may fail, but failures always have lessons. Give yourself the freedom to perform poorly, or get mediocre results, that is part of real life. Who knows maybe your activity may have wonderful unexpected results?



3) Become aware of your "self talk" and and challenge the distortions.

I encourage you to document negative attitudes, thoughts, and feelings about yourself. Often they are so subtle and quick, it may take a month to become fully aware of the terrible things you say to yourself. Most depressed people would never say or entertain thoughts of such awful proportion towards others, but regularly do about themselves. I believe documenting "micro-lies" and than re-writing your "internal script" is the number one source of freedom from depression. King David's book of Psalms in the old testament is an example of this process. There is a lot of literature available on this, learning how to identify and replace negative self scripts is a must do in your program.



4) Limit the depressive symptoms.

Feel your feelings be aware of what is hurting you, but do not allow yourself to slide into a pit or "over focus" and obsess on the negative.



5) Refocus.

Surrender your life, your relationships, your money, your possessions, your job- is a great place to start. Often times failure to "let go" is a source of years of obsession. Feelings of loss through divorce, death, or crisis can make us feel we cannot afford to lose anything else, but like the proverbial monkey with the grape, we cannot find new nurture until we let go of that which is trapping us.



6) Socialize, being around others gives us hope strength and energy.

Or read this as "stop trying to overcome this by yourself". Next to negative self talk, isolating is the number 2 largest offender in this process. Often times painful relationships were the source of so much of my pain and loss, I would isolate to avoid further potential problems. But what I have learned is to evaluate my relationships; on a scale of 1 to 5 this relationship is:


1.Toxic?


2. Partially toxic?


3. Neither toxic or nurturing?


4. Provides some nurture?


5. Nurturing?


Give yourself permission to stay out of relationships with 1s and 2s until you are healthy. This may be hard to do with close family or friends, But trust me, making a boundary, may save your life if you are involved with other people who are mentally ill.



7) Sing, read psalms, pray seek the living God. (If you have faith-but maybe if you don't you should try it?) Just because you have faith doesn't mean you are growing spiritually. In fact sometimes people involved with church put spiritual practices dead last on the list. Explore, discover, and nurture your spiritual being, and you might be surprised how it effects your thinking and mental health.

Talk, Trust, Feel...

In repressive societies, dictators, and their governments attempt to control information. They use the common covert tools of the manipulator: FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.) as well as overt tactics. Iran’s current blocking of cell phone texting and social media during the election is one example.

Unfortunately, well meaning church environments can stumble down this same aggressive path. Usually a couple well meaning, but codependent leaders will lead this in the name of “security”.

I have seen churches employ:

- video cameras in bathrooms
- hidden taperecorders at meetings
- private meetings
- threats, violence, unjust firing, gossip campaigns.
- banning of books, movies, music, audio, and people with different thoughts.

While these are extreme examples, it can be shocking (even for those involved) how far the attempt to control can take church leadership.

Generally though the more common control methods are interpersonal, and dolled out through subtle, indirect signals and long term undefined “policies”.

In these environments it is common for people to:

Be afraid to talk, write, or express their real thoughts.
Pretend like there is trust, but secretly trust no one, and therefore become increasingly isolated.
Be afraid to to reveal expressions of feelings, like anger, indignation, or sadness.

This is why recovery principles are so important for healthy ministries. And recovery is not just for "the addicts".

“We are powerless over others” doesn’t seem like the banner over church board meetings, but it should be. And in healthy environments it is.

“You cannot control people and things” is extremely difficult for controller/manipulators to accept. Entire people groups dedicate unlimited resources to these quests.

Generally these are deep core issues, reaching back to childhood and family dysfunctions, that are then replicated and played out in the church family. So they don’t get resolved overnight, they take prayer, gentle and direct confrontation, and love.

2ndJourney Broadcast

Others either on their own second journey, or observing this one, are invited to get more juicy tidbits, and particapate in the dialogue by following 2ndJourney on Twitter: @2ndjourney and the Tumblr microblog at 2ndjourney.tumblr.com.

Addiction:

Recent studies of alcohol and substance abuse have shown us that addictive behavior can take other less recognizable forms. Popular terms like "OCD", "Workaholic", "Control Freak", and "Pervert" are examples. Sexual expression can be wonderful and healthy experience inside the right context. But for many it is a curse;

Are you sexually addicted:

1. Do you go from one relationship to another?

2. Do you feel "The Right" relationship will finally fill all your needs?

3. Do you use sex as an escape?

4. After sexual experience do you feel guilty?

5. Has your pursuit of sex interfered with your relationship to a spouse or potential partner?

6. Do you find you are unable to resist sexual invitations or sexual materials.

7. Have you tried to limit or stop unhealthy sexual behaviors or have you previously sought out help to control your sexual behaviors? Have you wanted to?

8. Have you put yourself, or others, in dangerous situations in pursuit of sex?

9. Do you have trouble completing tasks, focusing, concentrating at work because you are thinking about sex?

10. Do spend time viewing pornography.

11. Do you feel you have lost control of your actions to fulfil your needs for sex?

12. Have ever been arrested for a sexual offense?

If your answer is yes to three or more of these questions, you are encouraged to seek recovery.

Anne Jackson on Battling Porn Addiction

- Check out Anne's Blog Flowerdust

- Parent resources at theporntalk

- The book and website "Dirty Girls: the new porn addicts"