Blame & Shame

Correspondent and fellow NVC instructor Rick Goodfriend brought to my attention the subject of Blaming and Shaming as a dysfunctional way to meet needs (by way of his weekly email). On the surface there are obvious flaws in this strategy for living. But the hidden gem for me is his mention of the tendency to "Self Blame & Shame". I felt relief that Rick chose to write about this area of behavior, and wanted to share my meditation:

For me Blame & shame are coping skills, and kinda work. They can be indirect ways of asking for what one wants or needs, and are a covert way of issuing demands of one's self or others.

By using social pressure, pain, & fear, the manipulator gets to enjoy a feeling of control. The choice to use fear as a tool to get needs met, sadly, results in losses of:

Reality: One cannot control people and things. Highs & lows are smoothed over for a false experience. Internal Pain becomes the only constant that everyone avoids talking about. Leading often to addiction(s).


Energy: Directly asking for wants & needs is the most efficient way to get them met. When time, emotions, and other resources are used to no avail, the ability to meet your own needs diminishes. Negative Self Talk leads to inaction and saps strength and motivation.

Mutuality: In a group by setting the bar to the lowest, needs will be ignored. Self interest rules. Partnerships/Factions arise and fall to exploit in the dance of needs. When I blame & shame myself I practice talking down to others.


Brevity: The short of "I" becomes the complicated of "we". Blame & shame is more common in enmeshment and hierarchical communities than in those made up of individuals and peers. Blame and shame are ways to one up others, or one down our selves. Assuming responsibility is the natural and voluntary behavior of the individual. Assignment is the complicated and lengthy way to get needs met. It is a common strategy for avoiding direct confrontation. Blame & shame can be an indirect way of assuming responsibility for the choices of others.

Relationship: Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel is the regulator in control environments. Connections are insincere and coalesce around case building, and external needs. Leaving everyone lonely and with inner needs for community unmet. When we blame & shame ourselves we lose connection with true feelings and needs.


We serial manipulators uses blame and shame on others and on ourselves without thinking. We actually believe we have no choice. The only way I may overcome is to learn that 1. I do have a choice. 2. Empathy for those I blame & shame.


I have heard it said that crying is "self empathy", and therefore weakness. But without self empathy how may I have compassion on others?

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."  1 John 4:18


REMBR is also a handy acronym to REMEMBER.