Passive Behavior

The bible teaches "turn the other cheek" this is often misinterpreted as a spiritual edict on passive behavior. In fact in both the old and new testament there were consequences to the nation of Israel's and the Church's constant passive and tolerant behavior.

However, often aggressive behavior is seen as the alternative. Assertive behavior is the mandate for most religions. Especially the Christian faith.

What is the difference?

Assertive behavior always acts in mutual interest and from the emotion of love. Aggressive being selfish or I centered and from anger or hatred. Passive failing to acknowledge one's own needs and often from the emotion of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt. (FOG)

Often passive behavior is seen as a selfless act of kindness and therefore categorized and interpreted as spiritual, Christlike, and caring.

However, Christ was never passive. His death, may appear to be non-violent submission to aggression, but remember He clearly stated "No one takes my life, I lay it down willingly" (John 10:18) in other words he was acting not being acted upon. In my reading of Jesus, it seems that everyone was always mad at him because he wasn't doing what he was told or telling others what to do. Beware when all men speak well of you!

The appropriate relational model is where everyones needs are equal. Consequently, every relationship where one has needs superior to anothers is unhealthy and should be avoided. Marriages are prime for this, as often passive persons seem to seek out aggressive persons and vice versa. Conflicts often center around physical and emotional needs. Parents will vacillate between self neglect and over focus on a child's needs, and self focus with neglect to children's needs.

Passive behavior is also prevalent in the codependent. Whereby all relationships are handled in a measurable way known to Behavioral Science as the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Shrink' Stephen Karpman observed that the most prominent pattern of behavior was for the codependent to rescue, then persecute and ultimately become the victim who in turn looks for someone else to rescue.

Can you see how selfless giving, righteous indignation, and martyrdom can be the perfect landing place for the passive person? How I can misinterpret the Bible to meet my own unhealthy patterns?

The passive person seems to only be aware of others needs. While the aggressive only aware of their own. Empathy seems to be the key component for healing on both sides. For the passive, empathizing with themselves and there own wants and needs, and for the aggressive empathizing with others.

Jesus did not teach to give away your only coat, he said if you have two offer the other. He also said to lend and not expect back. I often don't expect direct repayment, but if I don't get the thanks I deserve-look out! A good friend once told me that "we give from our abundance not from our lack"- that advice has changed me.

What pattern can you identify in yourself? Is there someone you are failing to empathize with, is that someone you?

CIA: A Concept on Relational Boundaries

For the person who struggles with co-dependent or passive behavior, knowing what to do when someone violates your boundaries by overt or covert manipulation can be baffling.

In my experience, not being able to maintain the integrity of your boundaries is one of the top relation issues that impedes enjoying others which leads to isolation and loss.

I have come up with and been practicing an action plan for when people assert their needs in a way that oversteps my boundaries:

I have broken it down to an easy to remember three letter acronym: CIA.

Confront
Ignore
Act

Sometimes one of these is needed, sometimes all three, rinse and repeat, as often as needed.

Also note:

It has been said in the recovery community that we do not confront enough and when we do it is not done right. It is critical to understand that confrontation should be gentle, mutual, and without expectation.

Ignoring can be a passive behavior, it is very important to maintaining self assertion that ignoring is a conscious choice, and that the consequences are calculated.

Appropriate actions always include consideration of mutual interests and can be misinterpreted as aggressive or selfish.

In my experience having a this basic tool at my disposal gives me the confidence needed to look forward to interacting with others. Boy that sounds pristine and a tad boring. Apply CIA with GUSTO! Better?

Co-dependent Meme Found on Random Blog

“I wonder if the oil changer guys will get mad at me for having so much snow on my car. After all it is inside, in a heated environment, and some snow might melt, creating a sloppy situation.”

“Yeah, they might get a little upset, but I really don’t feel like cleaning the snow off my roof and trunk, isn’t that a little unnecessary? Won’t people be looking at me weird for doing that? Who cleans the snow off of their entire car anyways?”

“Point well taken self, but how many times have you seen a snow covered car being taken indoors, especially during a mechanical checking or fixing type thing? Never, that’s right, never!”

“Okay, but I’m on my way there and what am I going to do? Stop at a gas station, get out, and scrape the snow off my car? People would think I was absolutely crazy.”

“Hmm, I wonder if I could find a building to pull behind, out of public view.”

Being an approval junkie makes us crazy. It is funny but it is also sad.

(BTW the wikipedia 'def of co-dependence is poor at best and at worst is a collection of ill-informed assumptions.)