CIA: A Concept on Relational Boundaries

For the person who struggles with co-dependent or passive behavior, knowing what to do when someone violates your boundaries by overt or covert manipulation can be baffling.

In my experience, not being able to maintain the integrity of your boundaries is one of the top relation issues that impedes enjoying others which leads to isolation and loss.

I have come up with and been practicing an action plan for when people assert their needs in a way that oversteps my boundaries:

I have broken it down to an easy to remember three letter acronym: CIA.

Confront
Ignore
Act

Sometimes one of these is needed, sometimes all three, rinse and repeat, as often as needed.

Also note:

It has been said in the recovery community that we do not confront enough and when we do it is not done right. It is critical to understand that confrontation should be gentle, mutual, and without expectation.

Ignoring can be a passive behavior, it is very important to maintaining self assertion that ignoring is a conscious choice, and that the consequences are calculated.

Appropriate actions always include consideration of mutual interests and can be misinterpreted as aggressive or selfish.

In my experience having a this basic tool at my disposal gives me the confidence needed to look forward to interacting with others. Boy that sounds pristine and a tad boring. Apply CIA with GUSTO! Better?

From My Journal: A Bible verse Hosea 10:12 and Slappin' 'Ho's

I had a friend tell me I should read this verse. My peave is when Christians will "give" you a verse. Not what it says just the reference. I think I feel manipulated to look it up. So often times I just nod and grin and don't bother looking it up. This time, however, I wanted to look it up with the faint hope of hearing from God. (reasoning how can I ask "Him" to speak to me if I am not listening?) So I began to write it on my bathroom mirror with a bar of soap. However it wasn't working so all I got was "HO". (A month later while the mirror was misted up I winced at the derogatory ghetto meaning and secretly hoped no one in my family wondered what that was all about.) So I looked it up yesterday. This is not me telling you this verse to shed light on your darkened corner, not that I am beyond that, but this is me documenting something that seems to have meaning but am not sure as to what with the hope that sometime in the future it could make sense to me. That and the possibility one of the 15-24 daily reader's who come by this blog might find something therein. Maybe not.

The verse sounds inspiring but is somewhat cryptic (to me at least):

"Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you."

Context: This is the "nice" or hopeful part of a line of chastisements from God to Israel prophesied by and recorded by Hosea. In the other verses God is pretty hardnosed, he doesn't pussyfoot about concerning the lameness of the nation of Israel's abondonment of God, and the consequences. Yet somehow amongst the smoke of truth He is still kind, and has words of hope. Wow.

I like the notion of righteousness falling like rain. Would I skip and dance Gene Kelly style, or would I mutter about the weather? I know righteousness isn't always pleasing to be caught up in.

It is funny how this verse might be found on a placard in a religious bookstore. We like to "cherry pick" the Bible, put the "nicey" verses about that make us feel good on wristbands and such. What if you went to someones house and framed boldly on spotlit wall it grimly said:

"Ye have plowed wickedness, ye have reaped iniquity; ye have eaten the fruit of lies: because thou didst trust in thy own way"

Most certainly if we placed it on a bumper sticker it would not be in the context of God's condemnation of us as followers of Jesus, but of the loathsome "sinner".

The expression, "Break up your fallow ground" (Hos. 10:12; Jer. 4:3) means, "Do not sow your seed among thorns", i.e., break off all your evil habits; clear your hearts of weeds, in order that they may be prepared for the seed of righteousness. Land was allowed to lie fallow that it might become more fruitful; but when in this condition, it soon became overgrown with thorns and weeds. The cultivator of the soil was careful to "break up" his fallow ground, i.e., to clear the field of weeds, before sowing seed in it. So says the prophet, "Break off your evil ways, repent of your sins, cease to do evil, and then the good seed of the word will have room to grow and bear fruit."

Journal Note:

"God if you must cut into me, I will try and stay still."