Talk, Trust, Feel...

In repressive societies, dictators, and their governments attempt to control information. They use the common covert tools of the manipulator: FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.) as well as overt tactics. Iran’s current blocking of cell phone texting and social media during the election is one example.

Unfortunately, well meaning church environments can stumble down this same aggressive path. Usually a couple well meaning, but codependent leaders will lead this in the name of “security”.

I have seen churches employ:

- video cameras in bathrooms
- hidden taperecorders at meetings
- private meetings
- threats, violence, unjust firing, gossip campaigns.
- banning of books, movies, music, audio, and people with different thoughts.

While these are extreme examples, it can be shocking (even for those involved) how far the attempt to control can take church leadership.

Generally though the more common control methods are interpersonal, and dolled out through subtle, indirect signals and long term undefined “policies”.

In these environments it is common for people to:

Be afraid to talk, write, or express their real thoughts.
Pretend like there is trust, but secretly trust no one, and therefore become increasingly isolated.
Be afraid to to reveal expressions of feelings, like anger, indignation, or sadness.

This is why recovery principles are so important for healthy ministries. And recovery is not just for "the addicts".

“We are powerless over others” doesn’t seem like the banner over church board meetings, but it should be. And in healthy environments it is.

“You cannot control people and things” is extremely difficult for controller/manipulators to accept. Entire people groups dedicate unlimited resources to these quests.

Generally these are deep core issues, reaching back to childhood and family dysfunctions, that are then replicated and played out in the church family. So they don’t get resolved overnight, they take prayer, gentle and direct confrontation, and love.

Anne Jackson on Battling Porn Addiction

- Check out Anne's Blog Flowerdust

- Parent resources at theporntalk

- The book and website "Dirty Girls: the new porn addicts"

Changing How You Feel

American culture is one of repression (among others). And the Church is sometimes even worse. Most my life I have practiced not expressing my feelings openly. Crying, anger, laughter, excitement even sarcasm are often 'hushed' as children, by parents and authorities. I have even heard from the pulpit that anger is a sin. In turn, it seems now that I am older when I do let these emotions out, I feel overwhelmed, and others are confused, or react to what they see as an 'overreaction' on my part. They just don't know all the feelings going into that one situation. So again it is easier to keep those things to myself, ignore, stifle, or 'repress' those emotions. However as the illustration above depicts: just because I 'feel' powerless over my emotions doesn't mean I am.

There are those that theorize that all emotional illness is sourced in repressed or unexpressed feelings.

Knowing that I can choose to change, or 'shift' how I feel once an emotion is expressed or externalized, gives me more courage to openly respond in a healthy way.

Learning to respond as opposed to reacting, ignoring, or manipulating is new territory for me. Today I feel hurt, scared, and sad. In saying that I immediately want to explain why. However, rationalizing my feelings puts me in my 'head' and becomes another way to avoid pain. And 'plugs' or stops me from 'shifting' to a new emotion if I choose. It also seems that in labeling the source of those feelings, I can take current circumstance or situations and force them as headings over those emotions. Often when looking deeper they were related to other unrelated or distantly related circumstances or situations. But I can only look deeper if I 1) Take the time, 2) Accept those feeling 'as is', no question asked 3) Refrain from passing judgment about their source.

I find that the book of Psalms written by King David to be a meditative discourse on those inward emotions and his process of 'shifting', and a template for positive 'self talk'. (note: 5 chapters a day out of 150 = Psalms read in one month. My Dr.Bronner moment)

Psalm 4 says:
"Be angry and do not sin, meditate on your bed and be still."

in Psalms 5:6 David speaks of evil doers as bloodthirsty men who speak lies, and then in verse 7:
"But as for me, I will come into your house in the multitude of your mercy; In fear of You I will worship toward your holy temple..." So see how he has realized his fear of those persecuting him and then acknowledged that he is no different then them, other then that he seeks God's mercy, and then 'shifts' his fear to the true threat which is God's judgment?

Passive Behavior

The bible teaches "turn the other cheek" this is often misinterpreted as a spiritual edict on passive behavior. In fact in both the old and new testament there were consequences to the nation of Israel's and the Church's constant passive and tolerant behavior.

However, often aggressive behavior is seen as the alternative. Assertive behavior is the mandate for most religions. Especially the Christian faith.

What is the difference?

Assertive behavior always acts in mutual interest and from the emotion of love. Aggressive being selfish or I centered and from anger or hatred. Passive failing to acknowledge one's own needs and often from the emotion of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt. (FOG)

Often passive behavior is seen as a selfless act of kindness and therefore categorized and interpreted as spiritual, Christlike, and caring.

However, Christ was never passive. His death, may appear to be non-violent submission to aggression, but remember He clearly stated "No one takes my life, I lay it down willingly" (John 10:18) in other words he was acting not being acted upon. In my reading of Jesus, it seems that everyone was always mad at him because he wasn't doing what he was told or telling others what to do. Beware when all men speak well of you!

The appropriate relational model is where everyones needs are equal. Consequently, every relationship where one has needs superior to anothers is unhealthy and should be avoided. Marriages are prime for this, as often passive persons seem to seek out aggressive persons and vice versa. Conflicts often center around physical and emotional needs. Parents will vacillate between self neglect and over focus on a child's needs, and self focus with neglect to children's needs.

Passive behavior is also prevalent in the codependent. Whereby all relationships are handled in a measurable way known to Behavioral Science as the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Shrink' Stephen Karpman observed that the most prominent pattern of behavior was for the codependent to rescue, then persecute and ultimately become the victim who in turn looks for someone else to rescue.

Can you see how selfless giving, righteous indignation, and martyrdom can be the perfect landing place for the passive person? How I can misinterpret the Bible to meet my own unhealthy patterns?

The passive person seems to only be aware of others needs. While the aggressive only aware of their own. Empathy seems to be the key component for healing on both sides. For the passive, empathizing with themselves and there own wants and needs, and for the aggressive empathizing with others.

Jesus did not teach to give away your only coat, he said if you have two offer the other. He also said to lend and not expect back. I often don't expect direct repayment, but if I don't get the thanks I deserve-look out! A good friend once told me that "we give from our abundance not from our lack"- that advice has changed me.

What pattern can you identify in yourself? Is there someone you are failing to empathize with, is that someone you?

The Flesh is Willing but the Spirit Is Week?

If you are not saying wait a minute, you might re-read this passage from the ancients:

"The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

That is to say there is a lush green garden of life on the otherside of the dead desert of carnality, mediocrity, and materialism.

Often times my fears, pain, stress, and mostly shame smite me and keeps me looking downward, fearful of the light, I starve my spirit and only become more destitute, distraught, and alone.

Don't think that is just me or the "wayward". Sometimes the very centers of holy humanity can be guilty of godlessness and spiritual emptiness. I know because I have been there. Pastors, Leaders, and Ministry teams can be the blackest little holes of self loathing and deadness of anyone.

True spirituality is not measured in the size of the steeple.

God in deep passion for any us, finds novel, off the beaten path ways to reach us, to cut through the fog of disbelief, discouragement, and running. Yeah, you know what I mean. Sometimes I am on a dead run. Afraid to confront my fears, and terrified of what might happen if I do.

Sometimes I tread on the rice paper of tradition and ritual. Softly lest I leave a mark, I get in and get out, knowing that it only makes that inward hole deeper, blacker and more painful, but it can be a great placebo.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God.

My wife shared with me the weight of her latest revelation: The Creator of the universe asks you to sign a blank contract with Him. No guarantees, no stipulations, no scoping or clauses. Just opt in for a life long question mark. (editor's note: Some might say the Bible is that contract, that plan, that handbook, and manual. I would propose that it just doesn't have all the answers. In fact, I think it it has more questions. It is more like the soundtrack, or similar reading, then a list of do and don'ts. It seems to be designed to bring us into relationship with a living creator, as opposed to an instructional precedent setting magna carta that defines the terms of our contract.)

Oooh, that can be rough.

He will be with you, love you passionately, and carry you when you cannot stand, but NO known plan, guidelines, itinerary, or general overview will be handed to you. Blank contract.

I was sharing with my children that Christianity is one of the few religions that has no barrier to entry. There are no requirements. Yes some try to add there own, what day you worship on, even church attendance at all for that matter, but ultimately, Jesus Christ (I tend to regard what he says since I believe him to he be leader of this faith.) said simply "believe".

That is just it; that seems too simple. It is unsavory for our sense of justice, we should have to work for it, burn, feel the heartache...bear the marks...carry the cross, feel the piercing to truly be like Christ. But that ain't happening. It would be blasphemy to think we could be the sacrifice for even our own sin. Even a little. Tiny winy smidgen. Even.

All you have to do is; sitting in your hummer watching your stocks rise, or kicked back in your trailer with a tallboy, is see the need for completion, and raise your hand and say "That Jesus..I do." Raise your soft pudgy hand or calloused palm and say with sincerity"Me." "I'll take it.", "I do."

That's it. Your in.

Scandalous isn't it.

The 4 Words

AA 12 steps seem to have some redundancy. (Don't freak on me you avid AA'rs) Thus John Baker's program has boiled them down to 8 principles. In a flash of inspiration I have boiled them down to 4 easier to remember words:

Truth
Trust
Surrender
Care

• One must step out of denial, face the music, stop running, admit there is a problem and one must stay in that brutal predicament of truth.

• One must come to a point that they stop trusting their failed thought process (the one that gets you sick and keeps you there.) And start trusting God and others.

• One also must surrender to that universal purpose in their life, and stop writing their own script.

• And as a result of this life long process/pursuit start caring for themselves and others equally.

Ever lived a lie? Ever felt there was no one you could trust not even God or yourself? Ever felt like giving up? ever said "I don't care"?

iGeneration, iPod, iGnorance?

"Americans buy more than 20m new Bibles every year to add to the four that the average American has at home. Yet the state of American biblical knowledge is abysmal. A Gallup survey found that less than half of Americans can name the first book of the Bible (Genesis), only a third know who delivered the Sermon on the Mount (Billy Graham is a popular answer) and a quarter do not know what is celebrated at Easter (the resurrection, the foundational event of Christianity). Sixty per cent cannot name half the ten commandments; 12% think Noah was married to Joan of Arc. George Gallup, a leading Evangelical as well as a premier pollster, describes America as “a nation of biblical illiterates”.”

Celebrate Recovery: Some Personal Notes

I have narrowed down some direct benefits of the church based recovery program I have been involved with called Celebrate Recovery. While I have studied it's literature and even met it's founder, as all of mankind's programs there are faults, but a critique is for another post. You only have to go once and hear the testimony of a crack addict, prostitute, or alcoholic husaband and father who has been set free to understand.

1) Truth Saying.
• Breaking the system of denial.
• A foundation for real intimacy
• Feeling the pain of ours and other's choices.

2) Relationships
• Peer review
• Equality, Experience, and Empathy.
• Caring relationships where acceptance is not performance driven.
• Support.

3) New Thought.
• Discovery.
• The Wisdom of Crowds.
• It is your system that has failed not everyone else's.
• 12 Step Structure creates life application of spiritual values.

New Celebrate Recovery Group

Lighthouse Fellowship in Twin Falls, Idaho has started there own Celebrate Recovery group.
I visited recently and had a chance to meet with a few new friendly faces.

Announcement as taken from the website:

"Every Friday @ 6:00pm in the Café Agape (meal included!). Come fellowship with us and celebrate God’s healing power in lives through 12 Steps and Biblical Recovery Principles. Child care through age 11."

If you are struggling with hurts, hang-ups, or habits this may be a group where you can find healing, if you are recovered and you need an outlet for your 12th step work this may be the place for you. Mentors and sponsors are always needed.

Contact Scott Swafford at (208) 737-4667.

Talk, Feel and Trust: Calvary Style

Calvary Chapel Pastor from my old hometown Daniel Fusco in Marin County
discusses hi six issues with the church network, denomination, movement,
non-denominational ministry. Good for him for speaking out. Taking some risk and having an opinion. I hope he continues to become self aware.

I also hope he takes a further step out of denial. I think many CC leaders are addicted to money and power and will continue to overtly and covertly manipulate wounded and upright people in the name of Jesus. (I said many not all.)

That said am I against Calvary? Not at all, it is hard to judge one fellowship against another, however, the pattern of those in leadership is clear and yet to be addressed.

I was born again and attended Calvary Chapel for 19 years. While I do not attend Calvary now I am no more 'of' my current fellowship or against it. I am for Christ and his blood. His truth that shames my misdeeds and heals and forgives them.

I do take odd with one of the things Mr. Fusco states: "the word of God is clear" concerning women teaching. I don't find this clearly stated in the scriptures at all sir. I think this out a of all the issues is the most grieving to the Spirit. Calvary has an awful record on how it treats it's women. The voice of women in the body is so important to what Jesus is doing today, yet I believe that in this movement it is by in large being stifled do to a lack of love, transparency, humility, and misuse of scripture. I once was guilty of this attitude and God had to change my heart. Jesus did not teach that women were anything but equal. Any religion, denomination, or creed that teaches that any person is a 'less then' is to be rejected by me. Galatians 3:28



via From The Ashes
| more details at Christianity Today

People in churches hurt too

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks, medication, therapy? Wah... in the church? I thought these are the happy shiney people? They must not be trusting Jesus enough with their problems. (sarcasm)


"..There are various emotional diseases people are afflicted by. It may be like me with panic disorder. Quite often it is depression. Maybe it's OCD. Or maybe bi-polar or schizophrenia. I'm sure the list is longer...

There are churches out there that see these issues and their solutions in such a way that I believe further harms the very people the church should be embracing. That is tragic. It needs to stop."

Quote from 'e-runner' at what some may consider a controversy hot spot and what others might consider people talking feeling and trusting- or maybe it is somewhere in between. It is called phoenixpreacher.com a blog where some people dare to speak what they think. (intake of air)


Read the post he(?) has some good things to say.

Update: phoenixpreacher.com has been taken offline. However 'From the Ashes' continues to talk, feel, and trust.