CIA: A Concept on Relational Boundaries

For the person who struggles with co-dependent or passive behavior, knowing what to do when someone violates your boundaries by overt or covert manipulation can be baffling.

In my experience, not being able to maintain the integrity of your boundaries is one of the top relation issues that impedes enjoying others which leads to isolation and loss.

I have come up with and been practicing an action plan for when people assert their needs in a way that oversteps my boundaries:

I have broken it down to an easy to remember three letter acronym: CIA.

Confront
Ignore
Act

Sometimes one of these is needed, sometimes all three, rinse and repeat, as often as needed.

Also note:

It has been said in the recovery community that we do not confront enough and when we do it is not done right. It is critical to understand that confrontation should be gentle, mutual, and without expectation.

Ignoring can be a passive behavior, it is very important to maintaining self assertion that ignoring is a conscious choice, and that the consequences are calculated.

Appropriate actions always include consideration of mutual interests and can be misinterpreted as aggressive or selfish.

In my experience having a this basic tool at my disposal gives me the confidence needed to look forward to interacting with others. Boy that sounds pristine and a tad boring. Apply CIA with GUSTO! Better?

Quote + Thoughts

The essential difference between emotion and reason is that emotion leads to action, while reason leads to conclusions.

— Donald Calne, noted neurologist

I have been pondering the misunderstanding that the mind is like a computer. Studies show our mind is an emotional tool. Processing information is secondary. This is where many in the recovery process get tripped up: they stay in their head. They forget to feel, and be in the moment. Ideation, fantasy, obsessive thinking, worry are the bars of mental prison.

This is why "enjoying one moment at a time" is so important.

Quote:

"What other people think of you is none of your business."

Lifted off someones mom.

This is great thinking for the co-depndant who is always concerned with what everyone else is thinking and feeling.

Ex-inmate Theatre presentation of Peter Kreeft's 3-man readers theater play :

This Sunday, April 6th at 6pm at Vineyard Boise a reprise of reader’s theatre production of “Between Heaven and Hell”.

It's a conversation between JFK, CS Lewis and Aldous Huxley shortly after all their deaths on Nov 22, 1963.

It’s free,! (Tho donations will be taken)

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Don't Make Me Quit You Jesus

Psychology has finally helped me to understand that God is just a figment of my imagination. My inner Id's need for a father. Jesus my need for a role model. The Bible is great science fiction that is too wild to have ever happened. From now on this blog will be dedicated to a a form of zen like atheism. I now see it is the only way. Thank you Sigmund Freud for showing me that there is no reality. Thank you Charles Darwin and Carl Sagan for showing me that the world and the universe are just one big chain of accidents hewn out of billions of years of chance. (Okay maybe trillions.) Thank you Hugh Hefner for showing me that hedonism and the sensuality of the moment is all there is to live for. Thank you Hollywood and Nashville for providing the fantasy I need to cope with this new empty truth. And finally I thank myself for patiently enduring the years of repressed thinking, fantastical hopes and dreams, tangents of idealism and never ending hypocrisies. My magnanimity knows no bounds. I never needed anyones help, there really were no problems I needed to admit to. If I would have just kept doing the same thing I am certain different results could have been achieved.

Quote:

“It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality. There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts.”

~Shirley Chisholm

Don't forget Workahol. The chosen drug of the Great Depression.

quote:

"One sticks one’s finger into the soil to tell by the smell in what land one is: I stick my finger in existence — it smells of nothing. Where am I? Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that has lured me into the world? Why was I not consulted, why not made acquainted with its manners and customs instead of throwing me into the ranks, as if I had been bought by a kidnapper, a dealer in souls? How did I obtain an interest in this big enterprise they call reality? Why should I have an interest in it? Is it not a voluntary concern? And if I am to be compelled to take part in it, where is the director? I should like to make a remark to him. Is there no director? Whither shall I turn with my complaint?"

— Søren Kierkegaard, Repetition

In The Moment: Baloons

Clowns, animals, children (and likely angels) all have the uncanny knack for being "in the moment." So much emotional unhealth comes from repressed past, or depression about the past, and anxiety and fear about the future. What about right now? While you are reading this are you present, really alive, breathing, enjoying life? Worship, prayer, meditation all spiritual actions also performed in the moment. Jesus Christ and his disciples seemed also to have a corner on the moment.

Listen To this Song: Crystal Lewis

This is the thump dance remix. If this doesn't get you moving, you are dead. Full on Flatlining. Really.

God's Eye View: Google Earth Captures In History

The Glue Society presents a gallery presentation of images depicting Biblical events as seen from a satellite. Images include: Adam and Eve in the Garden (my fav), The parting of the Red Sea, Noah's Ark, and shown here The Crucifixion. (see more here)

Music Video: Johnny Cash "Hurt"

Christianity Today Article: Phil Vischer of VeggieTales Fame

“…You couldn’t write Narnia today and have it accepted by the evangelical world because [of the magic] and because in its metaphor, it effectively has a non-Christian worldview. Now, if we go to another fantasy world, we need to find Jesus there—literally. That is why the Harry Potter books are viewed to be straight from the pit. Even if Rowling says she’s enjoying Christian themes, forget it. How do you write a Christian fantasy today? I have no idea. I don’t know that you can. I think we’ve killed it. I think we are so concerned with how oppressed our worldview is and so defensive that we’ve painted ourselves into a corner. And thus, we can’t tell the kind of stories that Lewis or Chesterton would have told to share the gospel. It’s kind of depressing, frankly.”

via sds tumblrlog

A short dream story: Collision of Self

Pulling up in what appeared to be a combination small diesel truck and dune buggy the 20 something young man said "hop in I will take you to the end of the road.." seeing my perplexed face he chortled enthusiastically "I just bought it, it is awesome!"
"U.n ..no, but thanks for the offer" Stammering I replied guardedly. Some of us have boundaries I reasoned, besides on my way to work.
"Come on!" I want to see how she handles with a passenger" He said persuasively as he opened the door. I looked over the blue and white vehicle, spotting a bumper sticker from the radio station I worked at, and decided I would give a quick whirl. I need to be more trusting.

He gunned it from the gas station where he had stopped off, out town on a open but frequented desert road. I reached for the dash, feeling my heart swell into my stomach, and yelled "Slow down!" He laughed and continued to accelerate. A police cruiser passed us by, and quickly turned around after us. "I told you!" wondering what I had gotten myself into. As the cruiser sped to catch up, my new "friend" continued to accelerate. I did not know him, yet he seemed vaguely familiar. Maybe he was a friend of a friend, he acted as if he knew me. While he did not slow down we were approaching a "T" in the road and assumed he would pull off. He cackled loudly above the siren bearing down on us from behind. I looked at him and firmly and loudly said" You need to slow this thing down..now. We are going to be injured arrested or cause harm to someone else." He looked at me and grinning and replied "Amphibious." as we busted through the wooden guardrail, slammed and popped over the two foot cement curb, and plunged headlong into the Black Mountain reservoir.

Clutching the car, my heart racing, relief washed across me as we floated calmly down the shores edge. "There going to wait you out and catch you."
"Ahhh...I'll just say the throttle stuck." he arrogantly waddled his head. He was a large well muscled man with short blond hair and blue eyes. I was furious. I felt violated and abducted. I considered my impulse to grab him by the neck and ring it.
We drove from the water onto the boat launch under the steady watch of two police officers and a small contingent of city workers. As we pulled to a stop they handed both the driver and me documents with large fines and court summons.

I pleaded with the officer, "but I am just a passenger!"
"Sorry sir.." she deadpanned "..the plates list this as a combination recreational vehicle and in the state of Idaho, that means, that you are equally liable as a passenger for damages and guilty of several infractions." In perfectly bad timing and equally poorly delivered sincerity my new captor declared "Throttle stuck!" eliciting a groan from the small contingent of bystanders and officials alike. "Tell it to the judge" blank stare officer number two responded waving the tow truck off to impound with the strange dripping blue vehicle in tow.

"Unless you have any questions we will let you off on OR, provided you promise to make your court date, gentlemen.", the cackle of the shoulder mounted mic calling them off to yet another emergency. Everyone melted into a photoshop like blur as the impact of what happened focused my rage towards this irreverent cautionless abductor. I let loose yelling and standing him down "Who the hell do you think you are!" I screamed menacingly into his face. Being a good two or three inches taller he looked down with a smirk, seemingly un-intimidated by my violent threatening posture. "You enjoyed the ride as much as I did." he said in an almost southern Matthew McConaughey accent. Turning he walked away down a path lined by small newly planted trees that ran parallel to the reservoir. I turned after him, stilling myself of the notion to run full tilt and tackle him to the ground. Hearing me follow him he turned with clenched fists and clench jaw and said "You want a piece of this?!" I stopped. Perplexed by my quickness to violence and a new awareness of those around us and resignedly stated" I am pretty angry, but maybe I could see that as a moment of risky living that , though catching me off guard, was what I needed to be alive today." Surprising even myself, I said, tears welling in my eyes, "Thank you."

He looked at me blankly seemingly unstirred by my sincerity and emotions. "But I am not.." I continued "..paying for half of this, I will let the judge know that you abducted me." Swelling with rage and flaunching and strutting like a spoiled child he screamed "WHAT?!" his head rolled ghetto style and his large palms struck me hard in the chest, careening me backwards farther then I expected. My forty something year old legs barely staying under me. Looking back I saw the officers had left but a few city workers and passers by heard the commotion and were watching this brawl unfold. I considered walking away, taking the non-violent side, that is when I heard him say "This is about both of us!" and was blinded by a white flash as his fist snapped my body sideways and to the ground. I rolled and was up on my feet, my martial arts training and Welsh heritage taking over at the humiliation of being sucker punched, a knife hand whistled to the bridge of his upper lip clotheslining him and knocking him skyward, I was in control physically but righteous indignation soared through my adrenals as I pounced on his limp body with the intent to do him further harm... his cowering body melted into mine. He was me.

I awoke heart racing, anger and raw emotion a clot of comforter and pillow between my arms. Reeling, I puzzled over the dream, becoming aware that it was about one person and not two.

Esau Kessler