Passive Behavior

The bible teaches "turn the other cheek" this is often misinterpreted as a spiritual edict on passive behavior. In fact in both the old and new testament there were consequences to the nation of Israel's and the Church's constant passive and tolerant behavior.

However, often aggressive behavior is seen as the alternative. Assertive behavior is the mandate for most religions. Especially the Christian faith.

What is the difference?

Assertive behavior always acts in mutual interest and from the emotion of love. Aggressive being selfish or I centered and from anger or hatred. Passive failing to acknowledge one's own needs and often from the emotion of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt. (FOG)

Often passive behavior is seen as a selfless act of kindness and therefore categorized and interpreted as spiritual, Christlike, and caring.

However, Christ was never passive. His death, may appear to be non-violent submission to aggression, but remember He clearly stated "No one takes my life, I lay it down willingly" (John 10:18) in other words he was acting not being acted upon. In my reading of Jesus, it seems that everyone was always mad at him because he wasn't doing what he was told or telling others what to do. Beware when all men speak well of you!

The appropriate relational model is where everyones needs are equal. Consequently, every relationship where one has needs superior to anothers is unhealthy and should be avoided. Marriages are prime for this, as often passive persons seem to seek out aggressive persons and vice versa. Conflicts often center around physical and emotional needs. Parents will vacillate between self neglect and over focus on a child's needs, and self focus with neglect to children's needs.

Passive behavior is also prevalent in the codependent. Whereby all relationships are handled in a measurable way known to Behavioral Science as the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Shrink' Stephen Karpman observed that the most prominent pattern of behavior was for the codependent to rescue, then persecute and ultimately become the victim who in turn looks for someone else to rescue.

Can you see how selfless giving, righteous indignation, and martyrdom can be the perfect landing place for the passive person? How I can misinterpret the Bible to meet my own unhealthy patterns?

The passive person seems to only be aware of others needs. While the aggressive only aware of their own. Empathy seems to be the key component for healing on both sides. For the passive, empathizing with themselves and there own wants and needs, and for the aggressive empathizing with others.

Jesus did not teach to give away your only coat, he said if you have two offer the other. He also said to lend and not expect back. I often don't expect direct repayment, but if I don't get the thanks I deserve-look out! A good friend once told me that "we give from our abundance not from our lack"- that advice has changed me.

What pattern can you identify in yourself? Is there someone you are failing to empathize with, is that someone you?